just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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