wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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