When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
