im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
