I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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