I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
