Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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