I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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