I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I have feelings that need drinking.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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