the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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