i think i have two assholes
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Randomize
