Please don't use social media to get back at me.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
