I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
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