i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
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