JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You made out with two different species that night
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
