Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
