She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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