it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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