That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
