Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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