I think I won the penis lottery.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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