I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
