i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I'm both gender and math confused
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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