Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
