I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
