The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
