This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
