I love black thongs
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
