I just threw up on my dentist
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
