By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
