Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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