k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
