Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
