how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
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