Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
