why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
