You don't have asthma, your pregnant
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
