First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
