I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
