Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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