allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
