They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
