I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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