Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
