ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
