I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
