I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
