The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
