I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
