$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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