So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
